When there are three people, two should not converse together to the exclusion of the third for that would grieve him
قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم :
إِذَا كُنْتُمْ ثَلاَثَةً فَلاَ يَتَنَاجَى اثْنَانِ دُونَ الثَّالِثِ، فَإِنَّهُ يُحْزِنُهُ ذَلِكَ.
“ When there are three people, two should not converse together to the exclusion of the third for that would grieve him. ”
— Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ)
Reference : Book 47, Hadith 1169
Islamic manners are the most refined. They take care of the feelings of even the weakest, humblest or youngest in any group or community.
The Prophet was sent into a people whose standard of civilization was limited to a form of urban life that was often in contact with Bedouins. Makkah, where he was born and grew up, was situated in the middle of a mountainous area, surrounded by a desert, with a very hot climate. It is natural in such conditions that manners would be rough. Traditions like vengeance- killing even increased such roughness. Islam changed all this and taught those Arabs very refined, civilized manners. Before Islam, care for the feelings of another person was, if at all, practiced on a very limited scale.
To appreciate the change brought by Islam, let us look at the following Hadith: Abdullah ibn Massoud quotes the Prophet as saying:
“Should there be three of you, then let not two of them be in conversation to the exclusion of the third, because this will hurt him.” (Related by Al-Bukahri and Muslim)
This Hadith enjoys a high degree of authenticity, and it comes in several versions. Another similarly authentic version uses the third person and drops the cause at the end. Thus, the Hadith runs as follows:
“ If there is a group of three, then let not two of them be in conversation to the exclusion of the third.” (Related by Al-Bukahri and Muslim).
A third version adds some qualification. “ Let not two people talk to each other to the exclusion of a third until they mix with others, because their action hurts him.” (Related by Al-Bukhari)
It seems that the Prophet gave this advice on different occasions and in different wordings, so that it would be known and people will act on it. The Prophet is concerned here for the third person that is left out of the conversation between the other two. We do not have any qualification to limit this instruction to any situation, which means that whoever the third person happens to be, he or she must not be so obviously excluded. The Prophet clarifies that such an action is bound to hurt the excluded person. Hence, it must not be done, and the order he gives represents a very clear prohibition.
Thus, if they are three brothers, or three classmates, or colleagues, or indeed any three, the restriction applies. The Prophet mentions the figure three because it is the least number where exclusion may occur. But it applies to any larger number of people where such exclusion takes place. When there is a group of people, they must not leave any one of them feeling excluded.
Another version of this Hadith adds a clarification. When the Prophet stated this prohibition, his companions asked: “What if they are four?” He said: “That is all right.” This applies when two of the four have some private conversation. The restriction does not apply here because the other two could talk to each other. The feeling of exclusion does not apply. However, if three of them talk together and exclude the fourth, the same prohibition applies.
The Prophet also taught his companions to seek permission from their guest if they wish to leave. Abdullah ibn Sallam was a companion of the Prophet. Abu Burdah, a man from the following generation, one day sat with him. After a while, Abdullah said to him: “You are sitting with us and it is time for us to leave.” Abu Burdah reports: “I said, ‘as you wish.’ He rose and I walked with him to the door.” (Related by Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad). This means that there is nothing wrong if one should wish to leave, provided he explains to his guest, or host, before he departs.
The Prophet was very easy in his manners. He cared for everyone and never despised any form of hospitality given to him, or showed that he expected something better. If he visited a poor person, he would sit wherever was suitable and show no dissatisfaction. People welcomed him and gave him the best they had, but their best might be not very comfortable. He would pay no attention to poor conditions. He was concerned more with the people themselves, and every one of them was important to him.
We learn from his manners described in numerous Hadiths, related by a large number of his companions that it was very easy to get along with him, and he respected everyone. Abdullah ibn Bisr reports that the Prophet dropped at his father’s place. “His father gave him a velvet mat, and he sat on it.” (Related by Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad)
This Hadith does not tell us anything about what went on between the Prophet and his host. The reporter merely mentions how the Prophet was received. Apparently, there is nothing special on this occasion to comment on. It shows that the Prophet’s companions reported every movement and action he did, and every word he said. In this instance, nothing of importance took place. Therefore, the reporter merely mentions the sort of mat the Prophet was offered and how he reacted.
Various reporters of Hadith do this. There is a similar action reported in another Hadith in which Abdullah ibn Amr mentions that the Prophet came to him when he had heard that he fasted very often. The report goes like this: “When he came in, I gave him a cushion made of leather and stuffed with the fiber of the date tree. He sat on the floor and the cushion was between the two of us.” Here we see the Prophet being given a hard cushion, which is not very comfortable. But he simply takes it and places it between him and his host, so that both of them could use it for support. When we hear or read such Hadiths, with such detailed description, we realize that the Prophet’s companions could not have left anything unreported.
The rest of this Hadith speaks about the Prophet’s advice to Abdullah about his voluntary fasting. He apparently fasted very frequently. The Prophet wanted him to take things easy, but he felt that he could do more. There are several versions of this discussion, but they all agree that the Prophet suggested to him to fast only three days every month, but he kept asking to be allowed more. Thus the Prophet suggested five days, then seven, nine, and eleven but Abdullah wanted to fast more. The Prophet then said: “No one can do better than the Prophet David who used to fast on alternate days.” Abdullah ibn Amr did this, and continued to do so until he became an old man, when he regretted not acting on the Prophet’s advice. He still observed what he committed himself to do in the presence of the Prophet.
source > Arab News Islam 19 September 2003
